Sometimes a Girl Just Needs a Burrito

Dear Mayor of One Cow Town,

It is with a joyous heart that I return to my quaint little hometown after traveling the world. Ten years ago, I left here a mere child with no earthly clue of how the real world works. I was nineteen, had no responsibilities, and most importantly, no intention of returning to One Cow Town EVER.

However, circumstances have changed and I now see that O.C.T may not be that bad after all. In the course of my travels, I have acquired both a husband, Mr. IT Genius, and a daughter, Baby Roo. Since we have no desire to pay half a million dollars for a loft, and we'd like for Baby Roo to have friends whose hobbies do not include "slangin' on tha block", we have decided that living in a major metropolitan area is not for us. So Alas, here we are, with eager hearts, open minds and a very great hope that Mr. IT Genius can find a well-paying job in the large-ish city northeast of here.

Although my family is looking forward to the prospect of quiet country living, I have some requests. Having lived in a major metropolitan area for the past five years, there are certain, shall we say, amenities, that I find lacking in O.C.T. They are, in no particular order:

1. Chipotle (This is a totally fabulous Mexican restaurant. All of the ingredients are hormone-free and organic. Not a refried bean in sight. That being said, please expedite this request because if I don't get my hands on some roasted corn and jalapeno salsa soon, someone might have to get hurt).

2. A professional hockey team (Yeah, I know that this is "football country", but why not give hockey a try? It's the only professional sport left where both sportsmanship and true love of the game aren't dead. Besides, you can't tell me that Bubba up the road wouldn't appreciate watching a sport where fistfighting is not only expected, but encouraged).

3. A PROFESSIONAL hair salon (One that doesn't require me worrying that the cigarette in my hairdresser's hand might light me up a la Michael Jackson in his Pepsi days. Also, just FYI? Lopping eight inches off of a client's hair because "it NEEDED cuttin'" is generally NOT a good business practice).

4. WaWa (Ah, WaWa: the huge selection of fresh, hot coffee....the Built-to-Order® sandwiches.....the ginormous selection of ice cream. This is the one, the ONLY convenient store that can EVER be referred to as "kick-ass". Look into it NOW).

5. Starbucks (Yeah, I KNOW we have one twenty minutes away. However, the fact that there isn't one in the local grocery store is a crime against humanity. Who DOESN'T like to grocery shop while sipping on a $5 caffeinated beverage?? Answer: NO ONE).

I think that you will agree that the above improvements will bring nothing but happiness and prosperity to the citizens of One Cow Town, USA. Working together, we can create jobs and alleviate the mind-numbing monotony that seems to be as indigenous to these parts as brassy highlights and plastic flip-flops.

In closing, I'd like to say that downtown O.C.T. looks great! I think that the addition of a gas station AND a traffic light is nothing short of genius! I almost didn't recognize the place!

Keep up the good work and I hope to hear from you soon!

Yours,

Ms. Mundane Chaos